If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
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scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.