please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
glue: I have a boyfriend
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?
Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.