@FlyJ_

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

@FlyJ_

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

@FlyJ_

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

@FlyJ_

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

@FlyJ_

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

@FlyJ_

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

@FlyJ_

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

@FlyJ_

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

@FlyJ_

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

@FlyJ_

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.