5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
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Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Did my cat write this
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.