Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
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Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”