In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
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In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
good work, everybody
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.