@ForeverHairy

The nice thing about getting a pet lobster is that you can always threaten to eat it when your kid stops taking care of it.

@ForeverHairy

Me: Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms?

Kids: WE DO! YAY!

@ForeverHairy

When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.