Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
You Might Also Like
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.