Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
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teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
She was REALLY feeling it.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
79.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice