Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
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Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Blew out my flip flop…