It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
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I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
umm…
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*