WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.