@FrazzleMyGimp: ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

@FrazzleMyGimp: [after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

@FrazzleMyGimp: [hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

@FrazzleMyGimp: [straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

@FrazzleMyGimp: ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?

ME: Because I care.

@FrazzleMyGimp: ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

@FrazzleMyGimp: [sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

@FrazzleMyGimp: WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

@FrazzleMyGimp: DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin