@FrazzleMyGimp: WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

@FrazzleMyGimp: DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

@FrazzleMyGimp: [zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

@FrazzleMyGimp: ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

@FrazzleMyGimp: DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

@FrazzleMyGimp: [Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

@FrazzleMyGimp: [restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

@FrazzleMyGimp: [on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

@FrazzleMyGimp: HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.