@FrazzleMyGimp
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
@FrazzleMyGimp
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
@FrazzleMyGimp
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
@FrazzleMyGimp
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
@FrazzleMyGimp
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
@FrazzleMyGimp
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
@FrazzleMyGimp
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
@FrazzleMyGimp
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
@FrazzleMyGimp
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
@FrazzleMyGimp
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.