I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
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[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I hate my earbuds.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.