We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
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kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.