Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
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My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I gave up going to work for lent.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
War & Peace
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”