I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
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The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
What the hell happened in there??
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*