Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
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Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme