my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
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I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Bed should get ready for ME
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.