MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
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Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater