me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?