What in the hipster hell is going on here
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I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Good morning, Twitter x
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.