Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of FredTaming's best tweets

@FredTaming : waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

@FredTaming: me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it's mine i get to keep it

@FredTaming: [ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

@FredTaming: me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

@FredTaming: me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i'm in the witness protection program

@FredTaming: interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

@FredTaming: [ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

@FredTaming: scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours

@FredTaming: temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

@FredTaming: paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter