me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened