Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of FredTaming's best tweets

@FredTaming : dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i'll see you when you get back

@FredTaming: waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what's this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

@FredTaming: her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir

me: can i get 7

her: no

me: 8

her: no

me: 9

her: no

me: 10

her: you can’t do this forever

me: are you even familiar with numbers

her: yes?

me: 11

@FredTaming: me: there's a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we'll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

@FredTaming: HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

@FredTaming: pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

@FredTaming: god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

@FredTaming: who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

@FredTaming: [ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling