[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)