bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program