And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
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If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
the rocks need my help
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.