What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
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Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead