[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..