Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
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I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Natty or not?
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Favourite diary entry ever
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us