cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
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Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Every work call, he judges.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.