This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
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the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
No way!
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it