Given the memory span of a goldfish…
You Might Also Like
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Welcome to the stomach
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity