professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
You Might Also Like
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.