Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
You Might Also Like
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering