Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
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Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Best spot.. 😅
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.