Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
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Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?