Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
You Might Also Like
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”