Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
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Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.