WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
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Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Risking my life for fun.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies