The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
You Might Also Like
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
plant them where lol
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.