ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.


ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.


I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.


*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor


On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.

Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”

STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”

ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”

SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”

ME: “It bends and everything.”

SM: “I’ve seen better.”


Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.


I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.