Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
You Might Also Like
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.