It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
You Might Also Like
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.