Everybody’s playing an angle and I’m really bad at trigonometry.
Fill your coffee maker with cake mix for an amazingly delicious yet entirely unexpected Thursday morning.
-Why are you dressed like that?
-I’m a wizard.
-That’s a bath robe.
-You’re not magic, Ben.
-Watch me make my job disappear.
I’m seducing you. Do you feel seduced? Tell me when you’re seduced, even if it’s just a little. Do you want some macaroni? Are you seduced?
I made too much macaroni in a too small pot and I feel like that’s exactly what I look like in the t-shirts that used to fit me.
Hey, babygirl, I have ten bucks and a BOGO coupon for McDonalds. Wanna come watch me eat two Big Macs?
Paid a mime fifty bucks to follow me around for a day and do the jerk off motion every time I speak.
I gave my bus driver a copy of the play I wrote about a bus driver that falls in love with one of his passengers. And now we wait.
Her: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Me: It’s a meatball sub and I’m happy as long as I don’t have to share
It’s hard to feel dangerous when you’ve had the hiccups for 45 minutes.