My dog seems happy so I took her meds to see if they’d help me and I guess at least I won’t have any ticks this summer.
That feeling when you kinda wanna end it all but you’re already in bed and your hara kiri sword is all the way across the room.
If you didn’t wanna see 157 pictures of me eating cake, you shouldn’t have put me in charge of the PowerPoint presentation, boss.
I finished a sudoku today so I’m ready to do your taxes.
I just saw an old guy pick a rubber glove out of a garbage can and put it on, and I think he might be missing the point of rubber gloves.
I probably wouldn’t know what to do with my hands if you were murdering me, but there’s a strong possibility I would hug you really tight.
Instead of a post-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I thought she said “tantrum sex” and this is probably the most I’ve ever disappointed a woman.
Achieve the “smokey eye” look by setting your head on fire.
I have a bad feeling I’ll be wearing one of those barrels with suspenders by the end of the year, but not in a fun, whimsical way.