Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
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[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Our lord and savoury.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
had to make it
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday