Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
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Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.