if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
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Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.