everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
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I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.