*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
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Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Plant care tips
me and who
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.