Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
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Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it